Sometimes, critics demonstrate a rare clairvoyance. It is impossible to forget Schumann who, after listening to very early works from both Brahms and Chopin, declared them geniuses. At other times, they are mean and feroucious and / or completely mistaken. I made a recent stopover in a Cambridge library (on Harvard Square) and couldn’t resist buying this deliciously delinquent - containing the truth and nothing but the truth! -  Lexicon of Musical Invective. Criticical Assaults on Composers Since Beethoven’s Time by Nicolas Slonimsky, a collection of acerb reviews, often fabulously funny in retrospect. A few examples?

“Opinions are much divided concerning the merits of the Pastoral Symphony of Beethoven, though very few venture to deny that it is much too long. The Andante alone is upwards of a quarter of an hour in performance, and, being a serious of repetitions, might be subjected to abridgment without any violation of justice, either to the composer or his hearers.” (The Harmonicon, London, June 1823)

“Beethoven’s Second Symphony is a crass monster, a hideously writhing wounded dragon, that refuses to expire, and though bleeding in the Finale, furiously beats about with its tail erect.” (Zeitung für die Elegente Welt, Vienna, May 1804)

“We find Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony to be precisely one hour and five minutes long; a fearful period indeed, which puts the muscles and lungs of the band, and the patience of the audience to a severe trial… The last movement, a chorus, is heterogeneous. What relation it bears to the symphony we could not make out; and here, as well as in other parts, the want of intelligible design is too apparent.” (The Harmonicon, London, April 1825)

To listen to any of those “monstruous” symphonies, as performed by the Orchestre de la Francophonie…

Everyone knows that divas constantly throw tantrums and are impossible to handle, right? Well, of course, not quite. I know a few that are very professionnal and, most importantly, real sweethearts. But I must admit that I just love anecdotes that grant me a chance to laugh (just a little bit) at some of their foibles. When, on top of it, we are talking about real stories that happened to superstars, I can’t resist… Don’t worry, I have no intention of keeping them to myself and I am sharing.

• Near the end of a performance at Albert Hall one evening, the famed soprano Luisa Tetrazzini missed a top note. Greatly distressed, she ran off the platform, literally wringing her hands. Then, suddenly stopping, she raced back and, without saying a word, simply sang the single bungled note. The audience erupted with delight.
• When Stella Roman was playing Tosca in Puccini’s opera she was supposed to leap to her death from a prison parapet and land safely off-stage on a mattress. Roman, feeling insecure one night, demanded two extra mattresses. She leaped, and the mattresses bounced her back on stage. She had to kill herself all over again.
• During a performance of Rigoletto in Chile one evening, the audience was mesmerized by a feather floating down, languidly circling, from the building’s rafters. At the critical moment, Louis Quilico threw back his head in song, swallowed the feather, and promptly fainted.
• So total was the absorption of Tito Gobbi and Maria Callas in their roles that when, during a full dress rehearsal three days before opening night, Maria’s wig brushed against a lighted candle and caught fire, she went on singing and continued to do so even as smoke poured from behind her head, and Gobbi rushed across the stage to put the fire out.

To perk up this grey day, here are some new twists on old Italian favourites, some priceless…

Adagio Formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.
Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument you regret playing.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.
Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.
Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert.
Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).
Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs.
Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and… (more…)

Those who know me are well aware that Pachelbel’s Canon is not exactly my favourite piece of music, mainly because it has been so overplayed and I have grown very tired of multiple “new age” variations, all bordering on the unbearable. So, yes, I must admit I was laughing like mad when I viewed this hilarious - but so realistic - stand-up comic number on the (in)famous piece.

As the year is coming to a close, some journalists are sharing lists of favourite moments. Jessica Duchen, from the British magazine Standpoint , goes all the way with a somewhat goofy collection of 2009 hits. Roll out the cyber carpet and click her to learn more…